It’s Furious Balancing

I’m not feeling up to snuff today so today’s Post-Fiber Expo post is going to be heavy on the pictures and light on the text.

First up, Camelids! There were some llamas and baby alpacas there. I didn’t take many pictures because the lighting wasn’t the best. It was all indoors and rainy-gray outside. I’m also a shy picture-taker.

There were plenty of angora rabbits, but I felt sorry cornering the lil’ critters in their cages, so I just let them be. I’m not cut out to be a member of the Angora Rabbit Paparazzi, I suppose.

I saw plenty of raw (and washed, and spun) fiber, and I actually walked out without having bought any yarn whatsoever. Before you expire from the shock, let it be known that I did pre-order about 1,200+ yards of this:

That’s a 55%/45% mohair blend, in the “Zen” colorway. I’m not certain how many weeks off it will be before I receive it; I gave the gal all my contact information and she will get in touch with me after her next round of dye-ing.

I’m thinking “cardigan.”

There was also progress made in the quest for the Bella Abzug wig and the highly-cooperative sheep, but I haven’t taken photos yet. I’m feeling too rotten to do much of anything at the moment except sit on the sofa and work on the Ravenclaw Top-Down Raglan (also known as the Next Damn Sweater), with intermittent breaks for a few chapters of Jane Austen. Miss Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy are about to come to a meeting of the minds…

We made it through another one, cats and kittens. It’s almost Caturday. I’ve got some big plans for the weekend, which include my first attempt at the Dreaded Three Needle Bind-Off of Doom.

I’m hoping to post a lot of pictures in the next few days — of a completed Tempting sweater, of the yarn that just arrived for my next project(s), of the lovely fiber-y livestock I hope to see at the Fiber Expo at the Washtenaw Farm Council Grounds, etc., etc.  It may not be Rhinebeck, but it’s in my own backyard!

As my cats say, “Busy.”

A Few Things I Need:

1. I need to stop seeing the phrase “threw up in my mouth a little” on blogs and blog comments. Not only is it a disgusting image, it is trite, people. I was shocked when I saw Wendy use it over at Knit and Tonic (since she seems to be much classier than that), and I was dumbfounded to see it in the comments on Franklin’s blog (since his readers seem to be much classier than that, too.) Well, on Franklin’s blog it was used in response to Ann Coulter, and if anything is going to make me throw up in my mouth a little, it’s Ann Coulter. Or the Bush administration. Or cooked raisins. Anyhow… where was I? Oh, yes, throwing up in your mouth. Keep it to yourselves, cats and kittens, and when you do decide to go through with it, I hope you inhale particles of vomitus and come down with a fatal case of aspiration pneumonia, thereby making this world a better place.

2. I need to finish that damned sweater. I’ve been working on it since July, for crying out loud. Once I finish That Damned Sweater, I can start swatching for the next Damned Sweater.

3. I need pain killers that work, or I need to stop being in pain. I’ll take either. I’m flexible with this one.

4. I need to figure out what the heck is going on with my Morrowind mods (and yes, I’ve used Wrye Mash to clean my saves). Mods that have worked just swimmingly before now don’t work at all — No Shield Effect and Delayed Dark Brotherhood Attacks are two that readily come to mind. I’m thinking there’s something wrong with the scripts.  I hate working with scripts and, no, I’m not explaining any of this to any non-gamers here. Your eyes would glaze over.

5. I (well, WE) need to go grocery shopping. We have reached dangerously low levels of cat food, kitty litter, toilet paper, laundry soap, and food. We’re down to the canned soup and ramen noodles. It’s getting ugly. We also need Halloween candy, maybe even a bag or two for the trick-or-treaters. Miniature Butterfingers sound very good to me right now.

6. I need yarn.

7. I need to figure out how I’m going to sneak a spinning wheel plant stand and a herd of sheep philodendron into HunterXan’s house.

8. I need a pair of rhinestone-encrusted cats-eye sunglasses, a cigarette holder, a Bella Abzug wig, and a highly-cooperative sheep. I’m not explaining this one, either.

9. I need to sit in that lovely courtyard café Bwecca and I discovered on the Ile de la Cite with a bottle of red wine, several pain de chocolate, and a starving artist/jazz saxophonist named Jacques The Husband.

10. I need new underwear, more bookcases, yarn, more than 24 hours in the day to get all the things done that I want to get done, yarn, cat snorgling, and a pedicure — not necessarily in that order. Oh, and a nap. And a pony. And throw in some World Peace while you’re at it.

I’m fairly easy to please. No acrylic. Kthanxbye.

A sweater affords the scientific-minded a chance to experience the phenomenon of the Knitting Black Hole. At some point in your work (although you have definitely knit 34 rows since you first noticed), you stop making progress. You knit and knit but the sweater doesn’t get bigger. Then, mysteriously, you are released and discover that, even though you’ve been obsessively measuring every two rows, it’s suddenly five inches too long. — Stephanie Pearl-McPhee, Knitting Rules!

That’s about how it feels at the moment. I tried on Tempting last night, and decided there was an inch left to go. I’ve been knitting for an hour and a half (through 3 VHS episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus), and I still have an inch left to go.

I am going to finish this sweater in my lifetime.

I hope.

And Now For Something Completely Different (in my best John Cleese voice).

This photograph is in honor of my friend Tarre, whose comment that she is working on an amigurumi Cthulhu has made my day.

My Fellow Knitting Conspirator found this design on cafepress a few months back. Of course I had to have it on a t-shirt. I have absolutely no idea how it came about, but I like to think there’s a Providence Stitch-n-Bitch that meets every Thursday night to swill absinthe and knit miles of i-cord.

Or something like that.

[I told you I would find a topic that would set me off, didn't I?]

I’ve heard that opinions are like assholes anuses. Everyone has one, but that doesn’t mean I need yours shoved in my face.

I’m about to go off on one of my screeds. If you don’t care for my asshole anus opinion, I’m giving you the opportunity to stop reading now. I suggest you go visit this web site and overdose on the extreme unctuousness of pwecious widdle bunny wabbits (with accompanying nauseatingly cute commentary).

Still with me?

Today’s diatribe is brought to you by Mason Dixon Knitting: The Curious Knitters’ Guide.

Now, I won’t say that this is a completely useless book. It is just about the right thickness to prop underneath the leg of a wobbly restaurant table (but is, alas, too lightweight to make an effective doorstop).

In terms of actual knitting patterns, it is a 90% useless book. Out of the 25-30 so-called patterns, there are only 3 that I would consider making. The vast majority of the other patterns fall into what I deem “Mommy Knitting.”

Yes, if you consider making a garter stitch rag rug on size 35 needles out of potholder loops the epitome of The Craft, this is the book for you. Don’t believe me? It’s on page 95.

People, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

We’ve got garter stitch baby sweaters (pg. 23) and garter stitch barf burp cloths and bibs (pgs. 132 and 133). We’ve got the Fugliest Blankets Known to Mankind (pgs. 84 and 108, the Flying Geese Blanket and Mitered Square Blanket respectively). I’m inserting a small photograph of the Mitered Square below. Click for large, but I must advise you that it’s small on this page for a very good reason. I suggest wearing sunglasses.

I attempted to find a photograph of the Flying Geese Blanket, but all the photos I saw on Flickr were “all rights reserved,” which means I can’t use them here on my blog. This is probably for the best; they were seriously ugly.

There are a Few Things that Pretend to Be Lace, such as the Bubbly Curtain (pg. 46) and the Decayed Tutu Scarf (pg. 115). “Decayed Tutu Scarf” is really its name, not one of my sarcastic, made-up ones. The name is apt, sadly so.

Unless you count shawls — which I don’t — there are exactly two, count ‘em, TWO adult garments: The Mason-Dixon After-Dark Robe and The Mason-Dixon After-Dark Nightie (pgs 50 through 53). I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that they stooped to make these out of Louet Sales Euroflax instead of dishcloth cotton.

The copy on the inside flap of the dust jacket says that “Mason Dixon Knitting is a collection of unbelievable patterns.”

They got that right. The only thing this smarmy piece of faux homespun goodness lacks is a crochet pattern for a cover for the spare roll of toilet paper shaped like a hoop-skirted Southern Belle.

Well, that and a recipe for Tater Tot Casserole made with cream of mushroom soup and Cheese Wiz, but we have the Innernets for that.

Well, there’s still an hour and fifteen minutes worth of Friday here, so I’m just squeaking this in under the wire. It’s been a long, uninspiring week, so I apologize for the lack of posts. Something will set me off soon, I am certain.

Anyhow, the LOLCat:

It’s a leit motif!

Yep, Friday once again and time to show off my erudition, er, my LOLCat collection. I couldn’t decide between these two:

or

Of course, the second one is funny only because it alludes to a LOLCat I’ve posted earlier.

Enjoy your Friday, cats and kittens; see you pussycats later.

I like to think that I have wide-ranging, eclectic tastes — computer gaming, knitting, an appreciation of Twinkies and aerosol cheese (not concomitantly), and least not of all, good books. Yet, I find it disconcerting when I go to a gaming blog to find an article about the works of Jane Austen.

The original article appears here and the gist of it is that a writer in England took some chapters from a few of Austen’s books, changed the names, and submitted them to 18 different literary agents and publishing houses. Not only were the chapters rejected – if he got a response at all – only one of the responders was able to identify the work as Austen’s.

Now, I realize that not everyone has read Pride and Prejudice, but we’re talking about BOOK PEOPLE in ENGLAND for God’s sake, not stereotypical male gamers who are quick to label any book and/or movie as “boring” if it doesn’t contain car chases, tits, explosions, lasers, computer-generated special effects, tits, aliens, mutant vampires, tits, Klingons, psychotic Vietnam vets toting flamethrowers, tits, or Jean-Claude Van Damme. The director who makes a movie with mutant Klingon vampires carrying flamethrowers who may or may not be the PTSD-induced hallucinations of Jean-Claude Van Damme can nail this demographic and laugh his or her butt off all the way to the bank, but only if there are plenty of boudacious ta-tas involved.

But I digress.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had my old fart response of “What is the world coming to?” Far from it. But how often does one have the opportunity to mention Jane Austen, tits, and Klingons together in the same blog post?

One of my most enjoyable habits is to get up (relatively) early on a weekend, make a pot of coffee, and surf the Innernets for weirdness.

There is a lot of weirdness on the Innernets, and half the time I don’t even remember how I found a particular pool of weirdness. I follow links. I have the attention span of a dog. I use Firefox and have a minimum of three tabs open at once.

It may be the caffeine, but I found two little lovely bits to share. The first, a web comic I stumbled upon. This one, I do believe, is worth the time to read the archives — and add to the sidebar. I spent half a cup of coffee hitting the “random” button; for some reason, I find this entry hysterical:

Perhaps it’s because I used to be an eBay addict. I’ve since moved on to Etsy, which was most aptly described as “being a lot like eBay, but you don’t feel dirty afterwards.” I wish I could remember which knitting blogger said that so I can give her credit. See note above about “attention span of a dog.”

Second, a perfect verbal pearl from Franklin over at The Panopticon, about his relationship with color: “[M]y idea of Mardi Gras is three shades of gray in one sock.”

A yep, that about sums it up for me. Despite all these photos of hot pink sweaters and scarves, the vast majority of my wardrobe is black, gray, and white. There’s a smattering of red, forest green, teal, and blue in there — well, lots of blue since it brings out the color of my eyes — but the foundation of my so-called style is black, gray, and white, especially my work wardrobe. I own four pairs of the same style of Old Navy pants — in black — which I cycle through with great regularity.

This is one of these spots where I need to be able to footnote my footnotes. I need to work something in about how when I find pants that fit, I buy them in multiples. Since I am more bootylicious… er, amply callipygian than most, and right on the border between what is considered a “petite” and what is not, finding pants that fit is a rarity.

The Old Navy dress pants fit. Thank God. I know I am well outside their average demographic, if not 3 times as old as their average demographic. I am thinking that I could send some 14-year-old into hysterics with this information: “Eeeeeeewwww, I fit into the same pants as a 42-year-old! EEEEEeeeewwwww!!”

I would consider it a good day if I could do that.

Anyhow, I’m off to knit a felted cephalopod and (maybe) go shopping at Joann’s with He Who Has L33t Sewing Skillz.

I have spoken of Knitting Monogamy, of sticking with the same project until it is finished. Having too many projects OTN at the same time makes me feel overwhelmed and oh-so-slightly disassociative.

However, doing the knit 2, purl 2 ribbing on the Tempting Sweater over and over and overandoverandoverandover is driving me absolutely batsh*t crazy.

A change of pace is needed before I stab myself with my knitting needles and bleed all over that lovely Malabrigo worsted. Bloodstains would clash horribly with the fuchsia.

Before I proceed to my rationalizations, let’s have a look at my progress on the Tempting sweater.

I need to do about 4 more inches before I try it on. I think I may need to work a few decreases at the very top so it sits on my shoulders better, but I’ll defer that decision until I put it on and see how it drapes. Or doesn’t.

Anyhow, on to the rationalizations:

• The aforementioned craziness of never-ending 2 x 2 ribbing.
• The need to have a project that is easy to carry around with me. I like to knit during my lunch break at the office and the sweater is getting to be a bit too much to haul around with me.
• I want another knifty knitting button for my sidebar. I’ve sent off the red scarf, so I’ll be taking down the button after the mailing deadline. I dislike cluttered sidebars on blogs. I’m not that much of a “joiner,” really, and I don’t see me joining a lot of KAL’s, but I wanted another button to replace the outgoing one.
• The need to use the Lambs Pride Worsted that I bought. I ordered it with the idea that it would become a felted pair of mittens, but the color isn’t quite right for me; it looked a tad more vibrant in the catalog. Yes, I know I could send it back. Blasphemy! A knitter sending back yarn! Perish the thought. I knew the yarn could be used for something. Eventually.

• The new project will help me learn a few new stitches, specifically the ssk and that ubiquitous “knit into the front and back of stitch.” Since it’s a felted project, this gives me a saftey net. I can mess up the stitches as I learn them and it won’t make a lick of difference to the finished object. I [heart] felting.

So, without further ado, or without much more ado, I present to you the newest knitting endeavor:

I will be making this :

A yep. I not only march to the beat of my own drummer, I have my own 100-piece marching band playing “Tusk” and making drill formations at the 50-yard line.

Happy Friday. We made it through another week.

I am slogging along on the Tempting Sweater, having attached the sleeves to the body and am now knitting aroundandaroundandaround. 204 stitches per row. Knit 2, purl 2, ad infinitum. Progress is slow. I’m not the World’s Fastest Knitter to start with. Far from it. I greatly admire the knitters who seem to be able to turn out 3 or 4 sweaters during the time it takes me to get ONE finished.

I slog along. Knit 2, purl 2; knit 2, purl 2.

I am at the stage when one is winding down one knitting project and is feverishly wanting to Start Something Different. Anything. Different. I am doing my best to practice Knitting Monogamy, but temptations abound. I think my queue over at ravelry is over a dozen items long.

Knit 2, purl 2. Slog, slog, slog.

I will finish this. I only need about 4 more inches before I can bind off and call it finished. I have decided against the Dorky Bow, by the way. Laiane Wolfsong doesn’t do Dorky Bows, but she does seem to have a penchant for outfits that require Hollywood Fashion Tape.

In other news here at Chez Cat Hair, it is Pepper Harvesting Season. The Husband spent 20 minutes in the kitchen garden after work today, and brought in this haul:

Serranos, Hungarian Wax Peppers, and Thai Dragons, a deadly mix. I’m a confessed Spice Wimp and do not partake of hot food. I like highly seasoned food, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been craving Indian food for some time now; it’s just that I don’t consider “Pain” a flavor.

And, finally, it’s time for the LOLCat. I found this guy over at Meme Cats:

That’s it for today, cats and kittens. Time to slog. Errr, knit. Yes, time to knit.