Opinions. I Has Them.
[I told you I would find a topic that would set me off, didn't I?]
I’ve heard that opinions are like assholes anuses. Everyone has one, but that doesn’t mean I need yours shoved in my face.
I’m about to go off on one of my screeds. If you don’t care for my asshole anus opinion, I’m giving you the opportunity to stop reading now. I suggest you go visit this web site and overdose on the extreme unctuousness of pwecious widdle bunny wabbits (with accompanying nauseatingly cute commentary).
Still with me?
Today’s diatribe is brought to you by Mason Dixon Knitting: The Curious Knitters’ Guide.
Now, I won’t say that this is a completely useless book. It is just about the right thickness to prop underneath the leg of a wobbly restaurant table (but is, alas, too lightweight to make an effective doorstop).
In terms of actual knitting patterns, it is a 90% useless book. Out of the 25-30 so-called patterns, there are only 3 that I would consider making.1 The vast majority of the other patterns fall into what I deem “Mommy Knitting.”
Yes, if you consider making a garter stitch rag rug on size 35 needles out of potholder loops the epitome of The Craft, this is the book for you. Don’t believe me? It’s on page 95.
People, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
We’ve got garter stitch baby sweaters (pg. 23) and garter stitch barf burp cloths and bibs (pgs. 132 and 133). We’ve got the Fugliest Blankets Known to Mankind (pgs. 84 and 108, the Flying Geese Blanket and Mitered Square Blanket respectively). I’m inserting a small photograph of the Mitered Square below. Click for large, but I must advise you that it’s small on this page for a very good reason. I suggest wearing sunglasses.
I attempted to find a photograph of the Flying Geese Blanket, but all the photos I saw on Flickr were “all rights reserved,” which means I can’t use them here on my blog. This is probably for the best; they were seriously ugly.2
There are a Few Things that Pretend to Be Lace, such as the Bubbly Curtain (pg. 46)3 and the Decayed Tutu Scarf (pg. 115). “Decayed Tutu Scarf” is really its name, not one of my sarcastic, made-up ones. The name is apt, sadly so.
Unless you count shawls — which I don’t — there are exactly two, count ‘em, TWO adult garments: The Mason-Dixon After-Dark Robe and The Mason-Dixon After-Dark Nightie (pgs 50 through 53). I suppose we should count ourselves lucky that they stooped to make these out of Louet Sales Euroflax instead of dishcloth cotton.
The copy on the inside flap of the dust jacket says that “Mason Dixon Knitting is a collection of unbelievable patterns.”
They got that right. The only thing this smarmy piece of faux homespun goodness lacks is a crochet pattern for a cover for the spare roll of toilet paper shaped like a hoop-skirted Southern Belle.
Well, that and a recipe for Tater Tot Casserole made with cream of mushroom soup and Cheese Wiz, but we have the Innernets for that.
* * * * *- For the curious, those would be the Moss Grid Hand Towel (already On The Needles), Absorba the Great Bath Mat (an object I need and would enjoy making to suit my own sense of color), and the Ball Band Dishrag (which intrigues me because it creates a complicated-looking piece of knitting that is actually easy to make). [↩]
- Go to Flickr and search for flying geese mason dixon. You have been warned. [↩]
- I think this would be better named “The Ratty Curtain Made from the Cast Off Fishnet Stockings of Tired French Whores,” if it weren’t such a LONG name, that is. [↩]
October 21st, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Hey! I AM a tired French whore! How’d you know?
Where’d you get that toilet tissue cover book? We’ve got another book to put out.
Mason-Dixon Ann
October 22nd, 2007 at 9:04 am
Alas, I do not own the crochet toilet tissue roll book. I merely found an image online — and it took some time, too! I thought toilet tissue covers were much more popular.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:32 am
I have Gram’s toilet tissue cover. They aren’t so complicated that folks actually need a pattern for them anyway. I expected more opposition from the rest of the Family as we argued over her things. But no, oddly, no one else wanted the thing. (Current project on the hook is a Cthulu arugumi).
That mitered square thing looks like something Kaffe Fasset would do. I don’t have a high opinion of his choices of contrast either.
And if I wanted flying geese, I’d quilt them. It’s tons easier than knitting them.
I’ll be giving this book a miss, thanks.
October 23rd, 2007 at 6:06 pm
TARRE! An arugumi Cthulu! You seriously rock.
October 25th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Holy cow, that’s a bit harsh! I see that Ann has paid you a little visit : )
(disclaimer: I own the book and like it – I intend to make both the moss grid hand towel and absorba)
October 25th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Oh, I’m still keeping the book and will get use out of it. I’ve ordered the double worsted for the Absorba bath mat already, but I’ll certainly pass on that potholder loop rug, though.