Invasion of the Invisible Purple Women
Today, out here in the Innernets, is a day for child-free women bloggers to stand up — as much as one can stand up in the Innernets — and be counted. For a reason I have not yet uncovered, child-free women are “Purple Women.” I’ll get to the bottom of this color choice eventually, but right now I must admit that I’m stumped.
In any event, as a Child-Free By Choice Woman — who looks better in blue than in purple, thankyouverymuch — I’m doing my part. Here I am, cats and kittens, thinking about my child-free existence. I’m seeing other women talking about being “invisible” or feeling as though they “do not count” in some way, and I am mightily puzzled.
I’m not discounting their feelings — don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I’ve always been forthright about my decision not to have children. Me? Invisible? Not in the slightest.
EDIT/FOLLOW-UP — This post1 clarified the “invisibility” question for me, specifically her statement, “We might be ‘invisible’ to the demographers and blogspots that prefer the money leaking mommy demographic over the inscrutable childfrees, but again, so what? I’m here. I speak, I write, I have an opinion. I have time to do positive stuff. I have dreams I seek to make reality, which include serving my ‘invisible’ demographic, my sisters who have also eschewed kids- creating a place where we can share our own rich lives.”
I believe the question of “invisibility” first came up in a child-free group wanting equal time or consideration in an online venue for all women. Again, I’m assuming here, so I could be wrong. I don’t feel the need to spend time in venues that are Made for Mommies. I intentionally avoid groups that cater to Mommies. Not that I feel I’m missing a great deal by doing so; I would sooner have a romantic dinner date at Chuck E. Cheez. I know there have been issues over at Ravelry with The Mommies being offended by the mere existence of a Child Free By Choice group. Someone, somewhere, doesn’t love their pwecious-wecious liddle babies! For shame! Ban ‘em!
I’m having a flashback to my first husband’s mother asking me in the receiving line at our wedding when I was going to be having children. My reply? “Never. Is ‘never’ okay with you?” Not that I was asking her permission, mind you. I was just making it clear – in no uncertain terms – that she was way out of line. 2
I’m getting a headache trying to think of an instance when I felt “invisible” as a Child-Free by Choice Woman. It hasn’t happened. The issue of whether or not to have children is a non-issue. When hearing my responses to their (rude) questions of why I don’t want children — “I have better things to do with my time” or “Why on earth would I want to do that?” — most folks get the hint that it’s not up for debate and don’t pursue the topic.
For all you judgmental Breeders out there clucking your tongues over my “selfishness,” please post in the comments section all of your highly altruistic reasons for whelping having kids. That is, if you can think of a single one. All of the “reasons” for having children that I’ve ever heard certainly don’t fit that definition. To have someone take care of you in your old age? To pass on your family name and traditions? To give your mother a grandchild? Fail, Fail, and Fail. To have something to love? Fail. To have something love you? Epic Fail. You’re just as “selfish” as I am.
Don’t ask me why I don’t want to have children. Ask yourselves why you feel the need to have them. Ask yourselves why you feel the need to inflict your view on me.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to enjoy my peaceful, child-free home. Rest assured that I shall relish every minute of it.
* * * * *- On LiveJournal; you may need an account to read it. [↩]
- This is the mother-in-law who sent me letters/cards addressed to Mrs. [Son's Last Name] after she had been informed that I was not changing my name. I think she got the hint when I sent an unopened letter back to her with “No Such Person At This Address” written on it. In red ink. Never try to out-stubborn a Taurus. [↩]
November 15th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
For me, my main reason for saying that I feel invisible at times is not for any lack of vocalness on my part about my childfree status, oh no, not at all, and I hope my post didn’t give that impression. I’ve always, always been up-front and adamant about never wanting children. I’ve never made a secret of that.
When my sister got married, I was all of 19 years old. Her wedding reception hadn’t even started yet when my maternal grandmother started in on me about when was *I* going to get married and start having kids! She was a shrill harpy of a woman, and I don’t miss her. I eventually married another childfree person, and she kept right on with the “when are you going to have children” bit, until I finally exploded on her and said that I thought that some people just shouldn’t have children, period.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Oh, no, I do not question your lack of vocalness!
My dissatisfaction with the “baby pushers” (or the “baby brainwashed”) is their inability to see another’s view. I won’t label myself invisible because they simply don’t get it. It’s sort of like the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Something close to that.
I’m sorry to hear of your bad experience within your own family. My family, thankfully, doesn’t undermine or second-guess me. I certainly would feel invisible if that were the case.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
The response to your mother-in-law in the receiving line was PRICELESS. Good for you for setting her straight right out of the gate!
November 16th, 2007 at 8:45 am
My mother-in-law and her family have never questioned my desire not to have children- they all know how bad the broodstock is, and I don’t mean *my* side of the line. Most of the sane ones of his family are gay, and I like to think it’s so they won’t breed.
My mom, well, it took her a while to realize it was a good thing. She’s finally admitted that me not breeding is probably in my best interest. And when she whined about her last grandchild being her last grandchild ever, I told her to stop looking at me in that tone of voice. Since then, my sister announced she’s popping another puppy, and all is right in mom’s world. Whether or not my sister ought to be popping another puppy is a whole nother issue, but I have enough to deal with for my own issues.
December 1st, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Very interesting post. My husband and I don’t plan to have children. If we ever feel financially and mentally capable, we will adopt. There are so many children out there who need someone already – I seriously can’t imagine why anyone would undergo fertility treatments. It’s a bit selfish, I think, to prize blood over all else. Not to mention, more people means more stress on our already strained environment. Everybody having babies is not sustainable. Ok, I’ll shut-up now.